Home Funerals

I spent the weekend recently with a family who lost their young son in a summertime pool-related accident. They chose to have a home funeral, keeping his body at home, and caring for it themselves.

As a home funeral advocate, I was pleased to share in their experience of loving and letting go; that, indeed, it what it's all about.

If anyone has a home funeral story to share, I would love to hear it. Please send it to me at kimstacey@sbcglobal.net. I'm currently writing a book on End-of-Life Decisions, and if you're willing, I'd enjoy including your experience of a home funeral.

Love to you all,

Kim

Living Wills - what are your five wishes?

Good Day, everyone...

I just finished helping my ex-husband create a Living Will. That's the all-important document specifying your last wishes; in fact the document is called, "Five Wishes". It's a lovely thing to do for someone you love - which means, of course, that you do it for yourself!

Here's a Web site where you can find out more:
http://www.agingwithdignity.org/5wishes.html

Only 40 states recognize the validity of this expression of your end-of-life desires. If your state is not among this list - check with local authorities for how you can specify who and what you want.

The states (and D.C.) who honor the Five Wishes document are:

Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Iowa, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Oklahoma Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, Wyoming, and Washington D.C.

Considering I divorced him almost three years ago, the act of writing these documents together has been a major leap in our relationship. We're accepting our importance to one another, without making demands on one another - as married couples usually do. We're free to be supportive, as we accept our impermanence.

Stop over to http://www.agingwithdignity.org/5wishes.html
and order copies for all those you love, including yourself.

Love, joy and deep appreciation,

Kim

How Have You Memorialized Your Loved Ones?

In this time of overcrowding, cemetery regulation, and environmental legislation, it’s often difficult to find a personally meaningful way to memorialize your loved ones. I see now where you can get a plaque on a park bench, donate a book to the local library system in their name, or make a monetary donation to a local charity; but none of these things resonate with everyone.

Long gone are the days when you can erect a memorial in your local cemetery – the common regulations for urban cemeteries forbid much more than a plaque flush to the ground over the burial spot. The niche in the mausoleum where the ashes of your loved one are stored is lost to view in the visual “sea” of similar niches.

So, what have you done to preserve the memory of the life lived, and lost?

This is the question of the day. I look forward to hearing of your loving creativity.

Writing an obituary is an important part of funeral planning!

It's a rather simple process, especially if you're comfortable with the written word. If not, it can be rather challenging - and there are newspaper staff writers who can help you with writing an obituary or death notice if you're just not interested in doing it. Funeral home staff should also adept at creating simple death notices.

If you choose to be a part of the process, originality and creativity are options...if you're so inclined. It's becoming quite popular to make obituaries into creative pieces of public memorial.

What's the difference between a 'death notice' and an 'obituary'?

Now that newspapers often charge by the word for publication, many people are compromised into publishing only a death notice, a shortened version of a full-length 'obit'. Such a notice would include the important information: date of death, age, family members (both living and deceased), as well as the arrangements made for services: the where and when. In other words, everything a person would need to know to attend the memorial or funeral.

An obituary is a more complete life story - with at least those details you'd want published in a newspaper! Creative obituaries are often written in the form of verse, or attempt to create a story. They can include a variety of details that describe the personality of the deceased, and can also express the impact that person had on those around them.


Writing an Obituary Prior to Death

An obituary can be taken care of in advance, especially if someone is terminally ill. Many people like to have a say in their own obituary or may want to write their own as a way of working through their own funeral planning. Having an obituary written before the time of the funeral can remove some of the stress associated with the passing of a loved one.

When writing an obituary, it's a good idea to think of it as a writing process. Come up with a theme or a basic idea, write a first draft, take time to reflect on it and then go back and make revisions.

Writing a good obituary can even be a therapeutic part of grieving, allowing you time to express the feelings about the deceased that you really feel others should be aware of. You'll experience an assortment of emotions throughout the process, and ideally they should be reflected in the final product.

As an aside, I recently enjoyed time with one of my hospice clients, writing down her life stories for her. Granted, we only had time to develop four experiences into short stories - and that's not the point. The time we spent in her reflection on the joys, struggle, and losses sprinkled through her long (93 years!) life gave her a series of "touchstones", honoring her experience and accrued wisdom.

The stories we wrote gave her family material to write her lengthy obituary after her passing. So, I feel my work was fruitful - and keenly know that I took part in a wonderful end-of-life experience.

What to Include in Your Obituary or Death Notice

You'll want to include at least the following important elements:

An announcement: the name of the deceased, the date and location of death and (if appropriate) the cause of death (i.e. ‘suddenly' may be a euphemism for a traumatic death).

Biographical information: about the person's life, the things they accomplished, their education, and interests. What would the deceased most want to be remembered for in his or her life?

Survivors: a family tree lists the spouse, children, grandchildren, in-laws and any other close relatives or friends.

Schedule of Ceremonies: List the time and location of viewings (wakes) and all services.

Memorials: Instructions on how to honor the deceased, from contributions to flowers.

Arrangements: This might list the funeral provider, and may have a phone number to which people can direct questions. The names of those involved in funeral planning may also be included.

Many newspapers will publish a picture of the deceased as well. It's interesting to see how many obituaries for the elderly have photographs of them when they were much younger; at the height of their well-being.

I'm not sure how I feel about that - it feels unauthentic and dishonest. This person lived a good, long life - shouldn't we honor the natural process of aging and acquiring wisdom and life experience?

I'd love feedback on that issue, if you have some time.

Sunday morning; almost 10:00...the good old fog has rolled in to cool off the day. I've been reading a wonderful new book, Against the Stream, by Noah Levine. This young man writes of Buddhist practices, as revolutionary practice. He brings the esoteric down to earth beautifully. I plan on using it as a teaching manual when homeschool starts again for my 17 year old. We've been Buddhist practitioners for years, although it's been challenging to make it relevant to my son's life. This book does the job!

What does this have to do with death? Not much; but it DOES have to do with quality living.

Living mindfully.
Living without needless suffering from attachments.
Living joyously.

And, in so doing, death becomes less important.

Love, joy, and deep appreciation!

Kim

Hospice Volunteer Work

I took hospice volunteer training this past February, from our Hospice Caring Project here in Santa Cruz county. Forty-five hours of in-class learning brought us to the point where we felt ready to step out into the community to lovingly care for the terminally ill and their families.

My first client passed away on June 9th, and after a short hiatus, I returned to service the last Friday in June.

May I just say that the "work" I do with clients and their families is the most rewarding service I've performed in my life? I've been enriched in so many ways - and all my days are more enjoyable.

If you're a hospice volunteer, please make a post or two; let me (us) know the power in the relationships forged during the last months of someone's life.

And, if you're not currently a volunteer - why not consider the work?

And, of course, if you're a family who is involved in the care for a terminally ill family member - whether at home or in a skilled nursing facility - be sure to contact your local hospice center for assistance.

Love, joy, and deep appreciation,

Kim

Remembering Well

In my time as an anthropologist, and as a freelance writer, I've seen my fair share of mediocre to absolutely awful memorial services and disposition rites. I'd love to hear some of your stories - as I'm writing a book about "end of life decisions."

Just to kick things off, I'd like to say that at my memorial, I want my sons to use the song Naive Melody, by the Talking Heads, as the spring board for remembering their mother. After all, when they were infants, I danced around the living room with them, singing this song...it reaches to the core of my being, and connected me firmly to them - as a figurative umbilical cord.

What say you? What "horror" stories can you share - and what plans have you made?

Love!