Do You Know What to Do When Someone Dies?

Several things need to be considered when a death occurs. The order in which things need to be done usually depends on whether the death occurred at a residence, a public place, a care center, or in a hospital.

• When a death occurs in a care facility, such as a hospital or nursing home, the professional staff will notify you and the necessary authorities. If the name of the funeral home has been left with them, the institution will notify the funeral home at the time of the death. The funeral director will contact you immediately following their notification to help you proceed. (However, we suggest you contact the funeral home immediately, so you’ve got the reassurance you need that all is taken care of properly.)

• If a loved one was in the care of a hospice program, a hospice representative will give family members instructions and procedures to follow. The coroner/medical examiner will be notified will be notified by hospice. Following their release the hospice will contact the funeral home. (It is always a good idea for the family to contact to funeral home immediately so that they will be aware of the pending call.)


• In other situations, such as when a death occurs at home or in the workplace, a family member or co-worker should contact emergency personnel and the person's physician if he or she was under a doctor's care. If the death occurs at home with family or friends present, and the person is under a physicians care, the family will want to call the funeral home directly.

• However, if the death occurs in a residence and no one is there at the time of death, the police will need to be notified and respond to the residence before the deceased is removed from their home.

If in any case you are not sure of who to notify or what to do, you may call your funeral home and they will assist you in notifying the proper agencies.

Widening the Circle
Even if you’ve been aware of who needs to be notified in those first few hours, one of the first phone calls you will need to make is to the funeral home you will entrust with the care of your loved one. Funeral Directors are experienced professionals who can provide information and guidance.

While you may ask the director any questions at this time, you will be able to discuss the arrangements in detail later when you meet in person. During this initial call, the funeral director will gather information to be able to transport your loved one to the funeral home.

The funeral director may ask you several questions, including whether your loved one made any pre-arrangements and whether you give your permission to embalm the decedent, if necessary. The director will schedule a date and time for you to meet at the funeral home and will let you know what you should bring with you.

Others you will need to call are:

• Family members and friends
• Clergy or other spiritual advisors

If your loved one wanted to be an organ donor, inform the hospital staff or the organization which is to receive the donations.

Taking the time to learn the details now will free your energies when they are most needed. You'll not 'spin your wheels' or panic; instead you can be the 'rock' on which others can lean.

It's hard to believe - over a year's gone by!

2008 was a remarkable year for me personally - as I'm sure it was for you too. I've been spending the past 12 months working with funeral service professionals in educating the public; this is a most valuable activity, as most people know little or nothing (out of choice) about what to do when someone dies, or how to handle the depth of the response we have to the passing of someone we love.

So, I'm renewing my commitment to you, the public, to engage in dialog about these most sensitive issues. I'll look forward to questions and comments, to stir the waters, and speed our learning.

Wishing you a wonderful New Year - full of personal growth, health, and prosperity.

Love, joy, and deep appreciation,

Kim

Grief Sneaks Up on You

This time of year, grief is most keenly felt, I think. All emotions are on the surface, for me anyway; how about you?

I was at the mall with my son yesterday. He's 17, and wanted to spend his money on gifts for his Dad and Brother...and his beloved little dog, Courage. While we were there, I stood to watch Santa Claus, in the photo area...a gentle old soul, if ever there was one. The emotions that came rushing in were overwhelming! There was a lot of grief, I can tell you that. Picking it apart, I find that it was grief over:

• My parents refusal to let me believe in Santa Claus as a child
• The fact that my sons are young adults now, and Christmas is forever different because of that!
• The deaths of my parents, with so much left unsaid
• My own aging - the child, Kim...seems so close at this time of year, even at 53, I can see "her" clearly, shining brightly behind my own eyes when I look in the mirror

How about you? Is grief your companion at this time of the year? If so, don't push it away. Embrace it. Write about it, sing about it...or sit quietly with it.

Wishing you a spirited, reflective, yet joyous close to 2007.

Love, joy and deep appreciation,

Kim

Winter and Loss

Oh, my heavens, it's cold here these days. I suspect there are much colder places in the world; but for me, 28 degrees is c-o-l-d!

On a rather different note, a dear friend of mine died on November 26th, after a brief illness. Actually, that offers the wrong image; he had been in declining health for years. We had him on hospice care for just one week - and then he was gone.

It was my priviledge to be with him at the end. I shall always treasure those hours we spent during his last three days. I was able to share with him what he meant to me, and we could "remember together" the activities, and conversations. Sweet, sweet time.

For those of you unfamiliar with hospice, please visit: http://www.hospicefoundation.org/.
I hope you can provide hospice care for those you love -remember it costs you, or the patient nothing to accept the loving service of hospice nurses, doctors, home health workers, and volunteers. There is also spiritual support, for those who seek it.

Wishing you all a wonderful close to the year. May you stay warm, be happy, and find joy in the prospect of the new year!

Love, joy and deep appreciation,

Kim

Tribute Flowers vs Charitable Donations

As an anthropologist, I've seen a cross-section of funerals around the globe. And I am keenly aware that not all cultures use flowers in the same way Americans have traditionally used them, in the expression of sympathy and support.
Nonetheless, those funerals were powerful experiences for all who attended. That almost goes without saying.

But the trend in this country, to provide charitable donations in lieu of flowers is truly disturbing - despite this recognition that a memorial or funeral can be emotive without them.

Donations, in my opinion, reflect the instant gratification that underlies so much within our society. You can write out a check, seal it in an envelope, and put it in the mailbox in a matter of minutes.

I can just hear the writer say, “Well, that’s done.” And they can go on about their day, without much afterthought about the deceased or the grieving family.
Knowing that check was written does very little, if anything, for that family who has suffered the loss of their loved one. It merely gives the check writer a brief sensation of self-satisfaction.

Contrast that with the thoughtful, mindful act of selecting a floral arrangement in honor of the deceased. Perhaps you know they loved roses, or daisies; perhaps you realize that the wife, husband, mother or daughter of the deceased would lovingly tend a beautiful potted plant, given to them out of respect for their loved one.

Yes, it’s taken more time. But it’s time to reflect on the life and loves of the deceased - and that’s a true gift. It’s caused you to think about the quality of your own life in the process, and perhaps will motivate you to honor yourself more often with a weekly bouquet of fresh flowers.

The famous French dramatist Jean Giradoux wrote that a flower “is an example of the eternal seductiveness of life. “ Offering floral gifts as tribute reminds those who attend the funeral or memorial service that life is truly magnificent, and worthy of acknowledgement.

I've discovered a wonderfully informative site, InLieuofFlowers.info which exists to support people in their funeral and memorial activities. Here are some of the resources you'll find there:

» History of Sympathy Flowers
» Tribute Preferences by State
» Bereavement Poems
» Sympathy Card Messages
» Religious Funeral Ceremonies
» Sympathy Etiquette
» Funeral Hymns
» Verses for Sympathy
» Tribute Guide by Relationship
» Understanding Sympathy Terminology
» Sympathy Quotes
» Sympathy Frequently Asked Questions

Take the time to visit the site - and recommend it to those you know who may need the wisdom found there. It's inlieuofflowers.info.

And, why not take a few more minutes to share your opinions on this issue?
By the way, for those of you in the U.S., Happy Thanksgiving!

Road Side Memorials

I'm sure you've seen them. Our county has them, and so must yours. We've got small ones, elaborate ones...and one that's been there for over 15 years.

How many of you find yourself slowing down to take a closer look?

I know I do.

Roadside memorials, although outlawed in several states, are common in the Southwest, where the tradition of marking the descansos, or resting places, of travelers is rooted in Hispanic culture.

Modern descansos mark where the soul stopped to rest. Somehow these places remain "liminal" - neither in this world or in the next. A sacred place, to be sure; right by the side of the highway.

For many, such organically liminal places are the closest they will ever get to a spiritual spot. They are not consecrated by any church, nor controlled by any business entity. Roadside memorials are unique places, and deserve your attention.

If you've got a special story to share about a roadside memorial in your community - take a few minutes to post it here. I'd like to be able to include it in an upcoming article, "Passing in Public: Roadside Memorials in America."

Wishing you all a wonderful, and safe, Labor Day Weekend.

Love, joy, and deep appreciation,

Kim

In the Cemetery

Have you ever wandered through a cemetery? They are such quiet places; yet (oddly enough) they are full of life. Birds in the trees, squirrels; verdant green grass, especially sweet after the mower has gone by.

One of my favorite cemeteries in the Bay Area is Mountain View - in Oakland, California. You can take a virtual visit at their Web site: www.mountainviewcemetery.org/tour.html

What I'm addressing in this post is not the sculpture, or the squirrels; but the people - those consistent visitors to a particular grave, who come to tend, or just sit with their departed loved one.

I'd like to say that everyone comes to honor their loved ones, but many don't. Perhaps there's no one left alive to come to visit...that's always a possibility. And there are those who come only on a "special day" - the anniversary of the death; or a birthday...or a major holiday.

Whenever I visit any cemetery, I treat it as the sacred ground it is. I speak to the headstones of those who surround me - not expecting an answer, just sharing my humanity with them.

Now that I do hospice work, I've discovered that it is the same tone/content I speak when sitting with someone who is actively dying. You're not sure they can hear you (but you know they cannot respond); you merely reach across the distance of souls, and speak your truth. You honor them in doing so.

Visit a cemetery soon; the older the better. Walk among the stones. Take a picnic lunch, and sit under a tree. Spend some quality time with the dead.
They have much to give you.

Their greatest gift: that you could stand (or sit) awhile in a place of stark contrast between life and death. When you leave, you will take this with you; and it will energize your day, and bring gratitude, and appreciation for life.

Love, joy, and deep appreciation,

Kim